the art of utter

i don't know what's with some people who never learn to say 'thank you'. it is very hard for them to say this two meaningful words. it's like as if they going to loose their pride in front of others. i don't ask you to pay me back for my kindness. all i want is just to hear the 'thank you' word and i'll be okey. but it seems like i won't get it no matter how long i wait for it cause you are that kind of person. the kind who never be grateful for things people do for you. all you care is about yourself and your own satisfaction. sometimes i do pity you for not realizing this sort of thing. i think you need someone to knock some sense to you. definitely not me cause i don't think i would spend another minute talking to a person like you. and the fact that you no longer a friend of mine, makes my life even brighter. even funnier. cause i don't have to deal with a snob like you.

like i said before, learn the art of thanking and grateful.

brutal heart

ode to a nightingale

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, -
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

looking for his smell...

what excite me

satu kelebihan mengajar sesi pagi ialah bila jumaat tiba. saya boleh terus memecut pulang ke tawau dan spend satu malam lebih awal berbanding mengajar sesi petang. seawal pukul 4 kelmarin saya sudah berada di rumah. heaven bukan?

tapi bukan itu cerita sebenar. saya pulang sendiri kelmarin. budak kecik right behind me. tidak sanggup untuk bersama-sama memecut kereta 60-70km/j. hujan agak lebat sepanjang perjalanan dari bukit garam ke lahad datu. setiba nya di lahad datu, hujan sudah berhenti. now this is the real deal. keluar dari shell perdana, saya diiringi vios SS8**** K. i don't even know this guy and that damn car. but something caught my attention. the driver. he is a young bold guy. quite sexy in my eyes. tidak juga handsome. tapi ada kan jenis lelaki yang makin pandang makin handsome. atau lebih senang cakap, makin terserlah kejantanan di wajah nya. ya. saya biasa nya akan melt dengan lelaki seperti ini. dia seperti ingin cepat. saya pun memerlahan kan kenderaan untuk dia memotong. dia overtake saya. but then when he's right in front of me, suddenly he slow down his car and wave his hand signaled me to overtake him. and i was like whattafish he trying to do. i just ignore him. but he keep waving and signaling me to overtake him. so i did overtake him. stupidly, i slow down my car. i can see he smiling and laughed through my mirror. cute. it excited me a little bit. this silly thing we keep doing. macam bangang ja dua-dua. lama tidak rasa perasaan itu. perasaan bodoh. tau? faham? tidak kan? saya memang suka benda bodoh begini. but driving slow bored me. so i overtake the next car in front living him alone behind. surprisingly, dia bodoh-bodoh pun ikut overtake and when he right behind me, he highlighted me and smiling. cukup bodoh. dan bila penat saya pun biar dia begitu dan cuba ikut rentak nya. saya pun enjoy the moment spending my time checking him out through my mirror. naughty smile with a long straight nose. i think he is mix. lama sudah tidak jumpa lelaki kacak. everyone here, i mean in bukit garam have this very typical Sungai face or some Malay face.

i have this boy in my drama team which i think is so handsome. street smart look. cute with his glasses but when he is without, he looks totally ordinary. weird right how simple accessory can do big different to someone's face. but still he do look handsome. and i like his sort-of-carrot pants. it makes he looks like someone from the indie band. by the way, if anyone from school is reading this, go check him out at 4 Anggerik class. his name is Tahashshunan. see...even his name sound so erotic. haha.

home is heaven. because abang man is in leave for two days to attend his wife's niece's wedding and we can spend some time together. i like talking to him. we're having fun laughing last night while watching Animal Planet. his favorite. suddenly he asked me, how's my favorite guy. and i kinda not in the mood to talk about him. so i just said he is doing good and we doing just fine. nothing interesting happen this whole month and we spend our time try to live our life in our own. it's actually more to me trying to live without talking much to him. and i softly said to abang man that i miss someone i can called my man. so to soothe the tense, i laughed and deny it. again yeah, i miss him badly.

p/s: despite all the things that excite me, still i wish it is not that vios right behind my back. i secretly wish it's che maznah...;)

man

nice kan lelaki yang groom? i mean the not-gay one. a straight guy who take care of everything. from the cleanness to the smell and the most updated fashion. nice.

mau satu, boleh? mana mau cari?

again, i miss his smell. and i miss him.

imagination running wild

it would be great if i have a kitchen like this later. i won't mind spending 24/7 in the kitchen cooking and experimenting. no. i won't mind sitting at the table waiting for him to cook or even just starring at him cooking. that would be sexier. man in kitchen totally turn me on. damn!!! imagine he was standing there wearing a boxer and a white pagoda complete with an apron holding a scoop making dinner for me, suddenly he turn around and i can see a food over his mouth and all i have to do is move closer to him, bent a little bit and lick his mouth. a short lick that lead to long nice kiss perhaps. yeay!!! too much imagination. or maybe all i have to do is waiting for him and do what i do best: to be feed. haha...nice kan? enough la, dey!!!

p/s: i miss that smell. i miss talking to him. i miss his cooking. it's been ages since he cooked for me. damn...sulking is taking into a new level of stupidity. Gowd!!! i miss him.

p/s/s: just now i'm teaching my students using the British accent and they kind of like it. they said i sound like the guys from Harry Potter. i like when they enjoy my lesson. we should do this more often...;)

seeking

Happy Birthday big daddy, Mr. Marsden Abden. you matters a lot to me. i won't promise anything right now cause i know how hard keeping a little words i said.

so they said blogging is one way of seeking attention or in my current term: melacur perhatian. if you asked me why i blog, i don't have many reason. i blog because i can get therapy for free. seriously, other than your bestest friend, who wants to listen to your rant? rambling, mumbling, whining? especially me. i talk lots and lots of stupid things every day. don't think budak kecik can stand me. not even my own parents. when i'm having bad day at home, instead of letting me ramble about my stupid day, daddy usually goes like "i think it's time for you to spend some time out of the house". then i understand what he meant. and then i start blogging two or three years ago. like i said, this isn't my first blog. i deactivated the others because it's pack and loaded with my idiotique moment. to tell you the truth, i do feel a little regret for deleting it. blog is totally a repository. writing is one way of recording my thoughts, things happened. documenting every single thing of life no matter how mean it can be sometimes. i know some day when i grow old and this thing still here, i would have a blast reading back my story. i don't care if people say bad things about me for being so open about my feelings, my thoughts about every thing. saying that i'm such barefaced talking about my 'tangoing alone'. i don't care. at least some day when i read back what i wrote, i'll be laughing my arse out. or at least it can remind me of him and all the memories we shared. how he used to cook for me. texting me with a sweet little thing that only us can understand. it is indeed will remind me how much i love his smell or how i adore his sexy ass. definitely will remind me of how a friends used to say that i have such a bad taste to fall for him. but in case we're meant to be together, things will be different i guess. this blog for sure will be a reminder for me when things turn so ugly on my side later, it'll remind me how much i want him. maybe. anything is possible, right?

or maybe one day i'll be the principal or whatever the superior is, when i read back about my early years of teaching, it'll remind me how i used to be such ill-disciplined teacher back in my younger years. why am i writing something like this? as if i'm going to die or something.

while having lunch at the school canteen just now with two not-so-new male teacher, we're having some argument about me not taking a good care of budak kecik and caused her sick. i start questioning who's cooking dinner every night and taking care of her well being. and suddenly this male teacher said "hey, i'm looking for a girl. it seems like i have to reject both of you because you keep asking each other the good things you do to yourself". i laughed cause it's totally funny to me. budak kecik out of the blue said "take her. take her. she's single". i was like whattaFendi. i secretly pray that this male teacher won't fall for it. he is single. actually both of them are single. you know i don't like people having that kind of feeling towards me. it makes me feel awkward. before things turn out not-so-beautiful, let's pretend that we don't have any affection, shall we...;)

lately being single doesn't bother me at all. as long as big bird is still single and always be there for me, it's fine. it is really fine actually cause i love be around him. no. i like when he's around me. it makes me feel safer. it's like he is my protector. i don't know which one is which. whenever we talk together, just the two of us, i feel like i'm talking to a soul mate. he understand me the way i want to be understood. it's like he is the male version of me. we even can complete each other sentences. as if we can read each other's mind. but i just couldn't feel the spark between us. he is more than a friend to me but less than him because my heart is always belong to him. confused me. haha.

talking about him, i miss him so much. it's totally killing me to not talking to him. not be able to be close to him when that smell of him seductively lingering my surrounding. i so hate the fact that i can't say how sexy is he today or just to say that his tie doesn't match his shirt. how he not supposed to wear that loose pants again cause it never look good on him. the fact that i prohibit myself to text him wishing his 'every month' birthday, commenting his fb, liking his picture is so damn stupid. he just don't know how much i want to spend some time to talk our stupid things or just saying bad things about other people and laugh about it. and when he talk to me, it's like i want him to talk more even if it's just some official business. whenever i caught his eyes on me, i feel like want to run to him and asking him to say sorry to me. at least stop being a jerk and admit he hurt me. that's all i want actually. a little sorry. an apology.

p/s: jelaskan.

home coming queen

i don't know this girl but lately i spent my time reading her blog. it excites me in a weird way. all she talks about was her day at school and her boyfriend. i feel like i want to steal the boyfriend from her. it's not like she posted his picture or whatever to make me in love with that guy. the way she described him. the attitude. the silliness. the funniness in him makes me want him more and more. he so stupid but she is one damn lucky girl to have someone like him.

it is so unfair for me when others start doing wrong things but never get caught by the highest because no one care to report about it. and when i'm the one who did it, i'm sure the next thing you know, i'll be in the Principal's room answering every single question. i'm not complaining or whatever. it's just please open your eyes. see what you supposed to see. not seeing what do you want to see. for example, i noticed this particular girl likes to wear kurung moden. the one that hugging your body tightly. but no one is complaining about her. NO ONE. and it remind me when i'm still new here, i used to wear that kind of kurung (i still wear it until right now though) i've been called to the superior's room. so i told a guy friend about this. he said something stupid that makes me want to slap him but i just couldn't because he did make a point. he said that girl did not bother anyone at all as she's having not-so-curvy body. and according to him, when i'm the one who wear something like that, every penis in the school will be distracted by me. i was like whattafish are you talking about? she's a girl and i'm a girl. so what's the different? and he said try to see it in a boy's eyes. well, i could not blame you neither blaming me. it's a gift. haha...

it's not like i love to minta puji or whatever. but every day is like a home coming season and i'm the home coming queen. i used to tell him that i'm their home coming queen and guess what i've got? a smirk. i know he could not agree more with the students...;p i'm bumping to a students almost every day at school and it is never a day i missed such a compliment saying how i look pretty today. how good my baju kurung is. how i should wearing kurung cotton every day cause it looks cute on me. how glowing i am. i'm flattered. i do. but the problem is, i'm kind of shy whenever they said good things in front of others. yes. it is indeed the truth. i'm a shy cat. you can't just go and say good things to me in front of the others. i'll get tongue tied and blushing. but it is never a wrong things to dress up. i always make sure that my clothes are pressed and look neat and tidy. it is a nice thing to know that such tiny things like looking good can make a difference. i am not a person who like to spend hours getting ready to school. i always late because i have problem in time management in shower. i am a rather simple person who keeps accesorizing minimal. i don't wear heavy make up. not even a foundation or blusher. i'm just using Loreal White Perfect with Silky White Magic Face Powder. a lipstick and eyeliner. well, that's me. it still nice to see all the students excited. i'm used to the younger ones telling me i look pretty cause they like to say nice things. but the older ones are a little bit reserved especially the upper six. so when they gave that kind of unexpected response, it's not really surprised me...;p but it do made me feel so very happy...;)