his sleepy voice is seriously the sexiest one ever

it is really nice to hear the voice of your loved ones before sleep. even when all he can say is "hmmm...why?' "uhuhhhh".
seriously.

being hormonal

having a period is almost the same as being pregnant. not like i've been pregnant before. but seriously you want to pee for every 10 minutes. it sucks for a person like me who cannot hold it. then you have this hormonal thing where you tend to get angry for some little illogical thingy. you easily get tired and dizzy. and the last thing you want to do is to commit with others.
i have a graph for my mood. during PMS, i usually extremely happy, non-stop talking. at this time, you need to shut me up with whatever you can for i always talk crap and full of nonsense. i laugh a lot. in fact, too much for some people to handle. when the time comes, my graph decrease to become moody, hormonal and i turn to monster. the worst part is the post one. this is where i'm going to eat everything. every little thing on my mind. and this is the moment where the green monster turn to green goblin. i so hate it.

p/s: i got a stainless steel pot from kak Rozlin for our exchange gifts at school today. it really made my day. i love it so much. i can imagine how i'm going to hang it on my kitchen wall. hehe. i should learn to cook. i should learn to cook cause i promise H that i'm going to feed him with lots and lots of food until he forget his mama's cook..;)

p/s/s: i'm going to miss my first day of fasting. that sucks!!! sucks to the fullest. sucks to the deepest.

anonymous

few months ago i received a text from anonymous saying want to get to know me. but me being me, i ignored it. i'm not the kind of girl who likes to entertain such text. this anonymous keep texting me though i never replied it. until 2 weeks ago, anonymous texted me around 11.30 am when i was still at school saying how beautiful i look that day. okay, so this person actually work with me. i asked H whether he knows the number or not but he didn't. i thought it was H trying to punk'd me because no guy at school would send such text to me except him. still i didn't reply it.
one day, anonymous text me again saying that it is safe for me to contact the number. for some reason, i know who the hell this anonymous is. though i already know who anonymous is, i still refused to reply the text because HE is actually a married guy. he keep texting me as usual though he never get any reply from me. he even called me snob for not replying his text. i start to feel something different. i've become aware of him at school. it's kinda creepy actually. last saturday night he text me again inviting for a drink around 11 something at night. that's totally absurd. if we were in kK and this person was my age, i should call it booty text. seriously, who text people at midnight asking for a drink??? what kind of person is he? especially with his title at school. God!!!
so this morning i told two of my best buddies. one of them was not really surprised hearing it but both of them feel so yuck. it turns out that i'm not his first victim. there's another teacher who experienced the same thing. oh my God. this person is totally sick. for God sake, he is married with kids. isn't he happy with his wife? doesn't he have some respect to matrimony? i feel sorry to his wife for having such husband. i pray that Allah will shield me from this kind of husband. and i pray that he will stop do so, so that any single young women won't feel threaten with such act.
we need a conducive environment to work. don't ruin it.

p/s: congratulation H for the "manager of the season" award. you totally deserve it, love.

tristan and yvaine

how to make man understand this?

is this love? i never imagined i'd know it for myself. my heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. it belongs to you. and if you wanted it, i'd wish for nothing in exchange. no gifts. no goods. no demonstration of devotion. nothing but knowing you loved me too. just your heart, in exchange for mine.

i wish i'm a fallen star so i can glow whenever i'm happy with you.

pesona

man's finger with a wedding band.

exquisite.

fair enough?

eye bag sucks!!!
wrinkle sucks!!!
gravity sucks!!!
mood swing sucks!!!
hormonal sucks!!!
PMS sucks!!!

the fact that men are getting more handsome and sexier as they're ageing, totally sucks!!!

a gift for the undomestic goddess

i don't know where this gift going to lead, but this is totally so random and unexpected.

never in my life had received such gift from a guy. 

thanks H. 

you are so beyond my imagination.

hormonal

lately mood macam gampang. mudah marah sebab benda bodoh. benda kecil yang tak logic pun boleh jadi punca naik angin. bukan baru sangat. since last week. hilang focus time driving. hilang focus bekerja. jadi benci dengan tempat kerja. jadi kurang senang dengan orang-orang di tempat kerja. rasa macam mau pulang rumah dan kurung diri di bilik.
so today i called my sister to have some talk. the first question that came out from her mouth: "kenapa? kau mau kawin? too bad, bini G pregnant sudah". i laughed then said: "ya. mau kawin. tapi dengan H". then we talked and talked and talked. like we were sitting next to each other. then she asked: "kenapa juga mau tunggu?" ah, rasa macam tertikam tiap kali orang soal begitu. tiada jawapan. sebab hati rasa begitu. dia bilang saya tidak lagi muda untuk ikut main tarik tali. then she said, "sudah-sudah la tu jadi lone ranger. jangan telampau sensitive. think less. don't read too much. hairan aku kau membesar jadi begini". saya bilang, "memang juga dari dulu begini kan. cuma lately semua yang negative tu getting worse". saya terkedu bila dia jawab, "just because it is, doesn't mean to be like that ba. susah mau di atur kau ni. bagus lagi dulu-dulu". then i said, "ba battery kong sudah ni. nanti la call balik malam-malam sikit".

tengah baca The Lucky One by Nicholas Spark. hari ni H handsome gila babbas.
bila masa dia tidak handsome di mata saya?

what else can you do when you stuck alone at home on the weekend?

just when i'm about to do some laundry, i do some digging into my clean shirt basket. i found that i still have few clean undies. so i cancel my plan to wash the dirty one. nampak sangat rajin.
this is one of my bad habit. i love to collect my dirty underwear and wash it once when i run out of it. sometimes it can be up to until 3 weeks. luckily i have tons of it. lucky. or maybe i should try to go until i don't have one. it must be great to go to school, teaching without wearing a bra. imagination running wild. hehe.
when i was left alone like this, i usually love to do house chores. growing up by a housewife mother, i don't have a lot of chance to do it. mum usually the one who keep the house clean. make sure the food is ready for us to eat whenever we feel like one. when i was 17, she fell sick and unable to do it. i took her place to be the house mother. i learn how to cook, wash, iron and everything. it was so hard at first. but eventually i learnt. i secretly love it. it's like the only moment that i feel like a real lady. yeah, i know. surprise.
up until now, i love to do it secretly. especially when i'm alone like this. i will clean the house, do my laundry, cook and rearrange everything. life as a teacher won't give me time to do it daily. i always busy with school and nap. hehe. so weekend is my only chance to keep my room spotless. people used to think that i have a messy room. but they are wrong. to me room is my sanctuary. i change my bed sheet once in two weeks. i always make sure that my things are on it usual place. i fold my clothes neatly and put it in my drawer. my wardrobe always smells like spring and everything hang nicely. i love to keep it that way. it'll make easier for me to find things whenever i need it.
i like to cook because i love to eat. and i love the joy feeling whenever i heard people compliment my cook. what i love the most is, when he gives marks and comments to my cook. i love to see the smile on his face whenever he was happy eating. i always make sure that people will finish up my cooking because i hate left over. i won't eat it the next morning and i won't reheat it. i don't like reheat food and i refused to serve one. i'd rather throw it away and cook the new one. bad. very bad habit.
what i hate the most is washing the dish. when i'm at my parents, my dad will do it for me. and here, budak kecik will do it for me. i don't know why i hate it so much. i guess i just don't like the rough feeling on my hand. just last wednesday, amoi, budak kecik and me compared our hands. turn out that my fingers and nails is the least cuticle one. isn't that great? at least my reluctant to dishwashing paid of. i wish my guy will buy a dishwasher machine when i married later so i can keep this young soft hands. wishing. wishing.

tolong cari kan saya suami yang rajin cuci pinggan.

tiang

"isteri adalah tiang seri rumah.
kalau berseri isteri itu, maka berseri la rumah."

untuk buat tiang seri rumah, saya prefer kayu malam atau juga merbau.
supaya bila di tinggal lama, pasti akan memecah kaca rumah.
persis saya.
deep.

i can let you love me foolishly, love me foolish-like.

i much prefer the blend of his body odour and polo black

The thing about liking someone is that it is like liking a perfume. What smell nice to you might not smell nice to others or vice versa. All the type of perfume has its own uniqueness. The most important one is every kind of perfume will have its own lover.
He's away for almost a week now for District Level Sports Day. And here i am stupidly missing his smell and blogging about it while eyeing my kids doing their work.
Sometimes, love takes people beyond the imagination of stupidity. Or is it just me?

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i may not have that thick sexy wavy hair, but it is enough to make my guy smile with the smell and the softness

i've been a committed user of L'oreal Elseve collection for almost 6 years. but last month i randomly decided to change my shampoo. it happened on this one afternoon when i was bored at home, i took my car and drove to town aimless. i repeat, aimless.
so i went to The Body Shop to accompany my niece to look for something for herself. i out of the blue start smelling everything and when i tried to smell this shampoo, i fell head over heels in love with the smell. added by the professional talker sales bitch, there goes my rm130 for shampoo and conditioner. hehe
now after a month using it, i can say that i like it to the deepest. start from the smell to the non-parabens contain claimed that it'll help to save the earth. well, all i can say that it helps to volumize my hair. i recommend this shampoo to those who have the not so thick hair. don't worry about the light foam. you'll get used to it after a week of using it.

it smells like candy

i wish i have a husband who can smell my hair 24/7 and i can enjoy watching that cheeky smile on his face

talking about smell, i smell like i'm about to have sex with myself every morning in school.

resemble

tall pretty mummy+ handsome short daddy+ cute baby

can life be any blessed than this?

p/s: kalau tidak esok, mungkin lusa la ni period.

the vow

i vow to help you love life,
to always hold you with tenderness,
and to have the patience that love demands,
to speak when words are needed,
and to share the silence when they are not,
to agree, to disagree, on red velvet cake,
and to live within warmth of your heart,
and always call it home.

i vow to love you now and forever,
i promise to never forget that this is once in a lifetime love,
i vow to love you and no matter what challenges may carry us apart,
we will always find a way back to each other.

you, i know you are not as sensitive, sentimental and as romantic as i am, but deep down in your heart i know you can feel the warm of my love..;)

si pungguk yang rindu kan bulan

keep praying. keep loving. keep hoping. keep waiting.

sakit. tapi asyik.

my missing star

it's like a missing star that always ends up on your sky
it's like the rainbow never comes after the rain
it's like the sun never rises in every of your morning
how am i supposed to live without those things
they are all you.

every littlest things remind me of you.

status

When i was in suria doing some random shopping, suddenly the urge of buying mens work attire strike me. In the meantime, i was whatsapping with budak kecik. I asked her if it's okay for me to buy him one. She replied me, 'apa juga status kamu ni?'.

Sentap.

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Ayden JB

We're just welcome a new born boy named Ayden to our family this morning at SMC. What a beautiful baby with a handsome daddy and a cute mummy.

Oh...i just can't wait to have mini him. Allah please grant my wish faster.

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another 13 days

how long till we call this love, love, love??

heart grow fonder

i'm here and you're there.

that makes two pathetic missing heart.

parting is killing. even for a fortnight. 

needs

i need a new space to write where i can sincerely write from my heart without having a second thought that there are some people who will be offended with what i have written.
i need to move on. or perhaps to move backward. i just want to move cause right now i feel like i'm frozen. i'm going nowhere. i'm stuck in this tormented moment. living in denial. living in lies.
i need someone to slap me hard on my face so i can wake up from this dreamy land. from this so-called comfort zone where nothing is actually comforting.

i'm not okay. i'm not.

ramble

cuaca panas lately.
almost 40 degrees. macam la.
buat diri jadi malas.
tidur tidak boleh.
pakai tank top lagi rasa panas compare dengan big tee.
marathon Lord of the Ring dari pagi.
tengok Frodo, Aragorn dan Legolas, rasa macam di syurga kejap.
tukar caller tone baru untuk dia.
phone bunyi sekali. LINE.
laundry tidak berlipat lagi untuk tiga minggu. penuh menggunung di basket.
atur jadual cuti. atur alasan soalan cepu cemas. atur duit.
june birthday orca. lesen mati. maintenance.
jeans baru. shirt and blouse. perlu coin purse. perfume. buku baru. mungkin juga perlu high heels baru.
cutlery set. kitchenware. dinner set. bed linen.
tiba-tiba.
jeles gila babbas tengok perempuan kurus kaki panjang, perut kempis, rambut panjang, wavy.
super jeles orang ada laki.

bon appetit

the moment when i was texting with him complaining about how scorching hot my house can be sometimes, i'm thinking about food. i'm craving for something milky, cheesy and chocolatey. i don't know why on earth suddenly my appetite turn to something like that. i want something hot yet simple for my teatime. i went down and found a carrot slice leftover from our teacher's day celebration yesterday. i ate it together with budak kecik. but it seems not enough for me. when she was busy with something else, i'm busy cooking scrambled eggs with super extra fresh milk in the kitchen. it turned out so fluffy and moist. i never thought i could make something like that. the milky taste was killing me softly. for a moment i forgot my getting-bigger muffin, my super ideal weight. i let the eggs teasing every part of my mouth and perish me with its taste. when i'm done, i thought of having a second round. but a caught of my thigh suddenly stop me. there goes my kelly rowland dreamy thigh.

i wish he was here so i can pamper him with food and be fat together. gaining weight alone is super not cool..-,-

i thought i was hypotension

i seriously need anger management class. i just slapped 8 kids on their faces for giving pain in my ass during exam. that was after i threw tantrum in front of everyone. everything so out of control. i feel bad about it. real bad. but i just couldn't help myself.
now, i'm just waiting for the HEM to call me.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. this PMS is totally killing me.

contentment

he: ada nampak tom cruise ka?

me: ya ada. depan mata saya pakai baju pink. guna aviator baru.

minta puji!!!

handsome short guy+ aviator+ cute baby

is it too much what i'm asking for?

rant

i miss K so much. i know it's wrong. but lately i miss him badly. i gather all my strength to keep him off my mind. i just couldn't. it seems easier to do it at school because i can channel all my thoughts by spending my time starring at H secretly. it sick. i put him in my conversation here and there. i try so hard to remember his smell every time he picked me up from class after his office hour. or to remember his jokes. his smile. his laugh. i just can't forget how he used to make me happy and how happy i used to be. i miss everything. i miss being in a relationship. 4 years alone is too long and sad. sometimes i wonder will i ever be loved again.
i'm not in love with him anymore. i can say it. i'm in love with someone else right now. but things are so hard. i'm torturing myself with something uncertain. and it hurts like hell. i don't know why i keep holding on to it. it may sound stupid but try to put yourself in my shoes. only then you know what fool means.
if only i have a magic to cast a spell on someone. or at least the power of compulsion.

seriously, it's not cool to be alone. imagine going to sleep with no nite and wake up without morning. it sucks. it sucks to know that no one cares about you. it sucks to have no one thinking about you in the wee hours. it sucks to eat alone. it sucks to plan alone. it sucks to spend your weekend alone. it sucks to have no one to share the new book you just read. or the new movie you just watched. it sucks to have no one complain you. it sucks whenever you read funny love quotes and you have no one to share it with. suddenly all the joy and funny feeling turn to despair. it sucks when you cook or eat something good with no one to share it with. it sucks.yeah, it sucks and sad and lonely. i hate it to the deepest. now let's cry together.

seriously???

H

dari kecik tidak mau mati

kurang ajar kan bila ada pelajar yang berani buat sexual moaning time kita lalu depan kelas mereka. rasa macam mau ketuk kepala pelajar tu dengan batang paip biar mampus sekali. kalau gatal betul mau make out, quit sekolah, minta kawin. jangan buat emosi guru terganggu.

ibu bapa, sila pantau anak anda. beri pendidikan seks sewajar nya.

kawinan

Pn.Suhana, Pn.Ziemah. Pn.Harny, Pn. Maya, soon to be Pn.Rusni.

semalam saya attend wedding reception classmate masa form 6 dulu. she turns out teaching at the next door school. saya pergi bersama Pn.Harny dan keluarga. pelik rasa lidah bila sebut puan Harny. haha. di sana saya ketemu ramai teman lama. mostly sudah bergelar puan. ada yang membawa anak. bawa perut. bawa bakal suami. saya saja datang keseorangan. tapi tidak kisah juga. saya suka bila di kelilingi wanita-wanita bahagia seperti mereka. komen pertama saya ketika berjumpa puan Ziemah: "handsome laki kau". dia ketawa. anak perempuan nya juga comel.
bersama mereka malam itu membuat saya rasa begitu muda. tidak banyak yang berubah. sifat dan sikap mereka masih seperti dulu. cara juga sama. cuma sekali sekala perhatian mereka di alih kan pada kehendak suami atau rengekan anak. saya tersenyum. kata teman-teman saya langsung tidak berubah. masih seperti dulu. lucu dan lucah dan suka ikut kepala sendiri. ya teman-teman, saya masih baik seperti dulu. dan comel. ketika bersalaman dengan pengantin, dia bertanya kan H. saya bingung. rasa macam bodoh seketika. tidak ada jawapan yang relevant dengan situasi kami. saya bilang "siapa mau jaga anak-anak nya kalau dia ikut ke mari". rasa pelik sedikit bila mana hidup saya sering di kait kan dengan nama nya. macam sinonim pula. semua nya gara-gara puan harny. saya faham dia cuma mau saya bahagia.
all of this suddenly remind me of K. siapa sangka takdir Tuhan.

lelaki sekali-sekala merajuk, comel berabis ni. tapi bingung sebab tidak tau cara pujuk orang yang jarang merajuk. saya lemah bab ini..;(

turn

i don't know how my McDreamy turn to McSteamy.
this totally ain't cool and might lead to something bad.

that secret glance. that secret smile.
i'd rather die with excitement.