Planning

Right this moment all I want is my mum to help me settle everything here.

I guess this is how my mum felt 57 years ago.

menghapus jejak mu

call me stupid or whatever that you think suits me but i stop running knowing that my ex is also a running freak since last year.

Starting point

I should start writing more about Rudy and how our relationship grow every single day into this wonderful journey of togetherness. We never knew if Alzheimer might struck any one of us. Later.

smitten

I am so deeply in love right now.

please let me cherish the moment. let me enjoy every minute of it. we don't know what tomorrow might bring.

flattered

I'm a bit surprised when I browsed dearest's iphone photo gallery. Turns out he captured tons of my picture that he candid randomly. It's so not him to do so since he always maintain this cool macho ego. Ternyata kamu juga romantis ya.

I love you, Sayang.

Cari pasal

I was on the verge of picking a fight with dearest lately and I don't know why. I can be a bitch sometimes when it comes to relationship. I sincerely feel sorry for him for having to face all my drama and stupidity. Perhaps one day when he have enough of me, he will leave. I just pray that that day will never come cause right now I honestly can't take another day parting from him. Please bear with me, Sayang.

so much for bff

i sent a picture of my ex got married to my so-called bff yesterday. and she replied me with "so what?". exactly not what i expected. especially from someone who knows our story since the beginning. of all people in the world, i think she's the one who supposed to understand how i felt that time. but she didn't. i feel betrayed. hurt. i cried in my heart since this thing totally not worth for my precious tears anymore.
wasn't i there when you called me in the middle of the night telling me about your cheated husband? didn't i simply left a party when i'm supposed to spend my time with my super single friends just so i can hear you whine about your disloyal spouse?
thanksalot. i hope your husband keep cheating on you so when you really need someone to talk to, you realize you just have none.

fyi: i forgot to mention that your husband actually keep chasing one of our schoolmate even after being rejected each time. i wonder why. i thought you said you are pretty and great in bed. there. i said it.
have a great life.

delayed

wedding will be postponed to next year. there'll be no december bride.
eat your heart out, Zila.

did you know that i'm tired of counting days?

Again???

You just have shit put on your plate at work place, and then you went home and started to dial his number. You realized you can't talk to him because you just have the ugliest fight ever the night before. You are all alone with all the mess. And you are hungry some more.

It's 2009 all over again. I think i need therapist. And Ken doll as new boyfriend.

Relationship is a total bitch. What else? Bring it on!!!

protect

tau ka new relationship tu paling bitch?
sepa bilang time tu la paling heaven?
sepa bilang?
atau aku yang telampau keras sampai tengok semua kebaikan tu plastic?

mengerti la di sakiti tu sakit. sakit tau. sakit.
jadi jangan.

Bitch

I never thought being in a relationship is so tiring. Seriously, i forgot. I forgot that it includes all the stupid arguments, ugly late night fights and most of all trying to accept the fact that you can no longer put yourself first in every single thing. Can't imagine marriage. I might end up spending my money in therapist.

Despite all that, i love you to the deepest, Sayang. 

compete

his mother made a hot drinks for him at 10.30 pm. while i usually in bed at that time. now tell me how can i compete to that love?

mum

we were too caught up taking care of mum before until we don't really have time for anything. most of the holiday spent with her. we stop travel for awhile. being the baby of the family makes me feel the obligation is more on me. and what is more, knowing my mum started to fall sick since she was carrying me. she sacrificed her life to have me. almost losing it but lucky and blessed enough for her to raise me until i was 28 last year.
now here i am trying to plan our little vacation. i go numb. every thing is going bleak. i start crying again. i miss her so much. this hole in my heart is eating the whole out of me. i'm not strong.

Kata Nadiah

This is what my long distance bff said when i told her about my recent serious relationship ever. Probably the worse comment ever yet so damn true. I specially like the part when she said that Arjuna will end up like my big guy while me like my mum. Frankly speaking, that's what i plan to be when we are getting old and grumpy. Still gives each other morning kiss even when we both use fake teeth later. And to have someone so confident about him turning to be my dad is like having fireworks surrounding me. There's nothing i ask more than to have him holding my hand on my dying day with sorrow in his eyes and love in his heart. Too much to ask for, i know.

Whatever it is, i will try my very best to be a good wife that one could ask for. Never doubt this faithfullest heart, Sayang.

1st week

work is a mess.
house is a mess.
going to sort things out one by one.
be more organise.

and i miss you so much, Sayang.

Bye 2013, Hello 2014

I lost my mum last Ramadhan. 2013 has been nothing but horrible one until i literally collapse in front of You for the downright grief. But turns out the Almighty has His own plan. He sent me this wonderful being on Christmas eve. Suddenly every thing seems bearable.

May this coming year fill with blessing and a chance for us to create joyful memory.

The one who come at the right moment. Let's take things one step at a time and falling deeply slowly. May you're the one that i ought my ribs to, Sayang.

Cake

I browsed his facebook for the first time today and I was like "What the fuck are you doing? Trying to hurt yourself?". Only then I realized starting new relationship is never a piece of cake. It's actually a process of making the cake itself. May I have the patient of a baker in creating my own sugar arts.

fragile

At this point, everything can actually break me. Family relation, friendship, relationship. I need to be strong, not for anyone, but for my dying soul. I'm not even sure what i want. I just let others decide for me. I let every single person in my life to take control of it. I let vapid people to criticise, laugh, even talk bad things about me right before my naked eyes. I don't mind at all. I really don't mind. Do whatever you want. Say whatever your heart desire. Because in the end, I know who's the Saint and who's the Satan. And the irony, I'm both. Yeah baby yeah. No baby no.

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.